I wonder if you feel it? I wonder if you see it? With my arms clasped shut, I grip at the last vestiges of reality. Trying my hardest not to peer too closely. The silence is deafening. The emptiness is suffocating. This time right now feels like a mix tape of broken notes and missing rhythms. All I want to do is to throw it in the abyss. Maybe, just maybe.
Maybe if it’s lost it wont play on loop? If it’s on pause, maybe it can give me time to run, run as far as my legs can take me. Anywhere else seems better. It’s pitch black and for the first time in my life I feel like I might not make it. The darkness is overwhelming. A little bit more and I know it will swallow me whole.
I bite my lips until blood drops to my chin. The very thought of losing terrifies me. The idea of me falling down makes me want to scream. But you see now, being powerless doesn’t give me any control. Control over what I want. How I want me to be. Time is running out, and my mind slips in circles.
I wonder if you see me, and notice that my heart is jumping down its cage? I know what I need to do. I know how I am supposed to be. But that path seems easiest. It’s where I have no need to think. It’s where my mind takes me. It’s what my body wants me to obey. Down, down that rabbit hole, where nothing seems to fit.
I smile a lot these days. I stretch out my lips as far as I can. I look into people’s eyes and tell them I am happy. That I am doing great. My arms wave as if they are flailing in high spirits. My body shakes in stifled laughter. The kind that rattles. The type that makes me sit down and close my eyes for a minute or two.
It’s when I open my eyes again and feel that rush. It’s a wave. The cooling draft seeps into my very bones and it makes me quiver. It makes me want to say 100 million things but nothing comes out of my pursed lips. How do you control your body to stop doing things it’s not meant to.
I walk around in circles until I find that edge. It’s in the middle of you and every one else. Crossing it seems so easy. One foot to the left, if only I scoot one more inch. But my feet are glued to where I am standing. I try so hard day by day to just push until I am out of breath. I see people walking out of their frames with ease, and I can’t help but ask why only me?
I smile so much these days, but my lips are starting to flake. The gust of wind is so strong, my arms can’t flail in auto switch. I try for big laughs but the hollowness of my lungs makes it sound like a cough. My body is sinking slowly but it never seems to stretch towards that edge. I can see you so clearly. You are so near me that I can smell your sweat slicked skin. Do you see me? Can you hear my sinking body?
If you think of now, what will your future self think? If you only see the glitter but not the chipped edges of the blown gas, how will you survive?
I have lived a hundred lives, and it always plays out the same. The same verses written on top of the same drug induced melody.
It’s a song for lovers lost at sea. Grasping and taking turns paddling their oars. It’s the same thing over and over again.
Stranded in the mist. They grasp at anything they think they need. A tangled net. A muddy boot. It’s the instinct of survival.
With the crashing waves rocking their boat. With just the two of them sailing the rough waters. Time tells you how things can work themselves out, or don’t.
Go on and tell me your love lorn tales. Your voice drips words like they are honey and wine. You spin them like they are the sweetest of prose numbed by the lulling of your intoxicating scent.
I take my turn and close my eyes beside the sea. My soul reaches greater heights, as I try to picture your words in motion. Have you ever felt the promise of forever wrapped in a gentle hug? That’s! That’s the very thing that kept my soul under your grasp.
Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t even free myself from you. My flimsy sanity breaks with your every touch. There’s something magical about you. Too good to be real. Too perfect to be true. As I think of this. As I’ve come to know this over time. Panic rises in my gut.
Sink or Flee. There was a knot forming in my chest. It’s telling me truths that I’ve been trying to forget. Run. Run away right now, or you’ll set your soul in flames. It’s too much for anyone, and the only way will be down.
But somehow, the moment that you open your lips. The second that your hands carve new memories on my sweat slicked skin. They all get washed away. They seem so distant, like whispers of a beaten war.
And so here I sit with my eyes closed. As my heart races into the adrenaline of affected love. I say a silent prayer of hope and surrender. This our shared life and I hope you leave me at least half alive.
When I started writing this letter, all I could ever think of are expletives. You know, varying degrees of fuck you. Fuck Off. Piss off. Asshole. Butthole. Asswipe. I can go on and on. But I stopped myself.
It’s not that I’m not angry at you anymore. I still am. So very angry. In fact, if you must know, I have never been this angry in my life. I have never felt so abandoned. So let down. So embarrassed.
But the thing is. The thing is, I realized that I actually wanted to thank you. Ironic right? After all the things that you did. After all the mixed signals that sent me into emotional hell. Yet, here I am thanking you.
Thank you for everything. For all the grand gestures. All the flowery words. All the affectations that you gave me. You made me feel so loved. And when you yanked me back from reality after those few short months. I felt so alone and unwanted.
So thank you, thank you for showing me what real love DOESNT look like. Real love isn’t short lived. Real love doesn’t ask for anything in return. Real love doesn’t feel like a fairy tale. Real love never gives up. Real love grows with you and shows you that the way to lead a happy life.
I want to stop. I want to pretend that nothing hurts me. That me without you is the best thing for me. But my heart betrays my head. How can you fix a bleeding heart when you’ve run out of gauze and bands?!
You spun me tales of forever. You and me, just the two of us. A future that you carved in the lines of my palm. Like it was the surest thing. Like we were going to build a world for the two of us right there and then.
Every day you told me I was perfect. Your beautiful girl. Your precious gift. The only thing that matters in your life. It was the sweet symphony that was on loop for days on end.
You got me to cling to you for dear life. Hang on to your every word. Placed my trust in you. Tore my heart in two and set aside my soul for you.
And then you came from behind and told me that we are done. It’s over and you were no longer in love. Without warning. Without paces. Without asking me, you’ve already pulled the plug.
How can I move on that easily when all I saw was the brightness of you? How do I even pretend to not want you when all you’ve ever done was make me defenseless against your charm.
You left me here broken. Wailing. In pieces and in disillusionment. This is true love? This what forever looks like?
I hear their laughter. I hear their judgment. It hurts. It’s embarrassing. But you know what cuts me deep? Do you know what tears me in pieces? You. Looking at me with your cold dead eyes. Wanting to be anywhere but near me.
I am transfixed by the tide that rips the very essence of the deep blue sea. I stand there watching as the waves all but crash against the eastern rock, the tallest that stood behind the mountains of Winter.
I may be only lone of intent, but as it tries its best to reach the foothold of my bearings. I wont cave. I wont surrender. I can only stay calm amidst the roaring thunder and gusty winds.
For all the times the crowd has called me over. For all those days that I could only stare at spaces in between. For all the years that I could stop my fists from curling. This is self restraint. This is the will that I have forged with iron and blood.
They can glare with their green eyes. They can whip with their spiked ropes. They can throw all the stones that they can carry. But I have already made a promise to my heart. This is a battle that I would win. This is a battle that I would walk on all fours until I can embrace the freedom of life.