One More Minute

I wonder if you feel it? I wonder if you see it? With my arms clasped shut, I grip at the last vestiges of reality. Trying my hardest not to peer too closely. The silence is deafening. The emptiness is suffocating. This time right now feels like a mix tape of broken notes and missing rhythms. All I want to do is to throw it in the abyss. Maybe, just maybe.

Maybe if it’s lost it wont play on loop? If it’s on pause, maybe it can give me time to run, run as far as my legs can take me. Anywhere else seems better. It’s pitch black and for the first time in my life I feel like I might not make it. The darkness is overwhelming. A little bit more and I know it will swallow me whole.

I bite my lips until blood drops to my chin. The very thought of losing terrifies me. The idea of me falling down makes me want to scream. But you see now, being powerless doesn’t give me any control. Control over what I want. How I want me to be. Time is running out, and my mind slips in circles.

I wonder if you see me, and notice that my heart is jumping down its cage? I know what I need to do. I know how I am supposed to be. But that path seems easiest. It’s where I have no need to think. It’s where my mind takes me. It’s what my body wants me to obey. Down, down that rabbit hole, where nothing seems to fit.

Heartstrings

Why is it that we come back to the pain that we swore we would leave? It’s constant. That niggling. That nudge. That rattle before I close my eyes. I promised myself that I will protect my heart from your constant badgering. But why is it that I could never seem to forget you?

I was so sure that I have closed all the doors, but it seems that one door is permanently ajar. The passing looks, the longing that I thought was all but forgotten. It has taken a seat in my mind. It wont let go. Sometimes I wonder why I want this much pain. But every time I start unraveling the threads, I get caught up in the strings that made my heart inflate in a million weightless clouds.

Walking in a daze. It’s like everyday is a different story. One moment seems to be filled with nothing but joy, but for one quick second everything falls apart. Every laughter is traded for a verbal dance that doesn’t want to let up. It’s agonizing. It’s tiresome. But each time I start to wave a white flag, I waver at the thought of losing this. Of losing even just a fragment of what we are.

I know it’s crazy. I know I’m insane. To put up with something that torments me. To hold onto pieces of lovelorn promises that probably will fade in the too near future. But here I am, trying. Struggling. Hoping against hope that the tide will calm down. Because didn’t we promise to be an US. Isn’t forever just a word that challenges us to break down our present and keep it running until the future?

Plug

It would be easier if I didn’t know how much you loved me. It would be easier to give up. I don’t want to be that girl from your past. Tail wagging in the air. Tongue out. All but ready to have a bone thrown in just for kicks. Even just thinking about it makes me cringe in embarrassment.

It’s pitiful and disgraceful. Without a moment’s notice, you can bet that I would rush to your side whenever you need me. Even if it’s just a sniffle or a lithe disturbance in your  comfort. I’d speed down the highway and put that pedal to work. It’s disconcerting that I’m telling you this so openly. But I know you know. And that’s what’s making this worse.

Here I am with my arms wide open. Hands outstretched, just waiting to be called. To have your not so secret love confession tumble right out of your pretty little mouth. But of course, that’s a lost cause. Every single time, your answer has always been the opposite of hope. That’s what crushes me the most. This. Us. Right here. It’s not going to happen. It probably never will.

Just tell me. Lie to me. Act your ass out and deny all your feelings out. I’d take it. I’ll pretend to believe you. But you never do. You never do anything that would get me from here to there. Even if you don’t say it. Even if you try so hard to repress it. The worst thing is that I can hear it in your heartbeat. I can tell by the simple press of your lips. And the thin line of your eyebrows that resolutely joins in unison whenever I’m in distress.

Maybe it’s the way I look? Maybe it’s the way I speak? Maybe it’s the way I seem to act like I don’t think of the future? Or maybe I’m just not worth the fight after all. For once and for all. Just say it. Say something. Anything that will deter us forever, or a push down to the possibility of forever and us.

Time Runaways

Set the scene. Let the universe take its cue. This is us. And this is why. We are bound by our hearts. Knotted by our fates. Untimely. Unwise. That’s what we seem to be. But none of it registers. None of it means anything. Because as soon as the minutes dwindled into seconds. I saw you and you saw me. And every little thing felt like scraps and heaps. This is us. And this is why. Nothing else matters but the synchronized patter of our joint hearts.

It’s an anomaly. I guess, we can both agree. Nothing about us screams predestined mates. We are as different as we are similar. Like oil and water. Nothing binds us. Not a thread. Nor a hair of sense. But there’s always that ringing bell. It silences the arguments. It peters down the aggressive drive to be right. This is us. And this is why. We might not fit together easily. But we work nonetheless.

You are fire and I am water. Maybe that’s how we should tell them when we are asked. It makes sense in a way. Fiery as you are, I temper you down with half truths and half lies. It’s the middle ground that’s always pretty safe. It makes the moment matter and the past all the minuscule. Past the petty jibes. It’s always there, a riveting bond. This is us. And this is why. We can forge together through anything that comes our way.

Forever means nothing but everything after all. It’s an impossible thing to be. It’s an impossible thought to pursue. Everybody wishes and holds time like they can bend it at their will. But of course, it’s impassive. It can work and it might also not be alright. So it’s foolish and trite to hope for a pointless thought. But it’s there. A nudge. A whisper. A concrete idea that doesn’t seem as hopeless as it should be. This is us. And this is why. We can penetrate our past, and hold our way through the magnificent promise of tomorrow and a day.

Point Break

I’m telling you, it’s the universe. Don’t you see? It’s conspiring against us. It’s making us do things that we were sworn not to do. How about we take a big gulp of air and let it all slide away? I know right? If it was only that easy. It’s pretty fucking ironic that we  are in this sort of position. You and me? Me and you?

No matter how much I try to roll it with my tongue, it seems so scandalous. Like an apocryphal malicious afterthought. Those two? What a joke, right? They probably know better than the two of us. If they caught us sharing the same two feet of space with more than just animosity and contempt, isn’t it such an absurd notion?

But the thing is. The thing is. I can’t even begin to think. Normally, I can just book it. Run and hide. That’s what they taught me. And if that wasn’t the wisest advice anyone has told me, then I don’t know fuck. This is beyond my control. It’s a stupefyingly scary feeling that we are letting this happen without putting any resistance. This has disaster written all over it.

It’s heady. Everything about this is cloyingly saccharine. A jolt. It’s electric. It could be all in our heads. But I can’t seem to stop remembering how your heart spiked when I enclosed your body against mine. It’s dangerously easy. If we could get away with this. I won’t even blink and let my desires run hot.

But it’s the universe you see. She’s such a sly little liar. She gives us these moments with empty promises of tomorrow. A drug designed to lose our sensibilities until it’s too late to pedal back down to reality. Our memories. Our lives. All flickers down to some sorry excuse of a test.

If that’s all it is. Then, so be it. We have our photographs. We have our lives entwined in this particular fabric of time. Whatever it is. Whatever happens, we have our song recorded in eternity.

 

Tether

Maybe later, I can see you bathe in light. Alone and too soon, I have enough of dragging days and drowning eyes. Wasted lines and half-hearted lies. In this one life, I already felt the wringing of a million hands. Years after the fact, I still couldn’t forget. No matter how often I scratch the surface of mornings. It always feel like a roughened patch. Too itchy for my skin. With far too many broken needle for my feet to find themselves in.

Lying in the darkness, it feels like home. Void of whispers and wandering eyes. It almost feels too perfect. I’ll soon have this spot all to myself. Will soon forget that a day has more than one color. All throughout, I’ll soon know the beauty of soundless sleep. This is static. And this is what I feel fits me the best. Farther down and almost close to oblivion.

I close my eyes, and it feels like yesterday is all I can ever have. Fragments, and brief touches. Lapses of time and halted currents in a stream of unconsciousness prevails. Where everything is good and great. When every moment felt like forever is stretched in days and minutes of blissful joy. This is utopia, and no one can tell me otherwise.

Maybe now, I can tell that the stitches are slowly unraveling. I can never come back if I cut our tethered waists. This is once and all or nothing. If only they stopped fidgeting. If only they could hide the knife that’s breaking in the skin. Maybe then I could forget. Maybe then yesterday will be mine forever, and tomorrow will just stutter to a blinding halt.

Surrender and Rise

Hush little one. Don’t believe every little thing they say. You are worthy. You are strong. You are brave. You are mighty. There might be few great things in your life, but best know that they are real, more truer than any gold you can ever hold with your two hands.

Dry your eyes, and don’t look down. There is nothing to be afraid of. What do they know about greatness, when all they can inflict is pain and suffering? They are weary, while you are ever flexible. If you think and wish for it to happen, you can break them. With your bare fingers and even your toes.

They might hold the pieces of your long forgotten heart, but we can mend it, little one. Don’t be ashamed to howl in pain. It is searing and it is definite. Nothing compares to faulty lines and acrid lies. But yet, here you are. Alive and still kicking the dirt under your filthy feet. They think they have it all settled. But you will let them know. They will see their mistakes once the dust settles in.

Pack away your soul and never look back. This is not a place meant for fools and whining little men. You can move past this. You can grow away from their falling limbs. This is closing to your distant past. But them? This is their present and their ever evolving future. Don’t mind their pleas. Don’t kiss their decaying feet. Little one, you will break free. Just think and believe.  You can set yourself free.

Right Around

If I tell myself one more time, maybe it might come true? It’s in these moments between the crack of dawn and the end of night that makes me wonder how much of me is left. Worth measured but apparently without thought. Too many reasons but never enough chances to go by.

I could list a lifetime of regret over logic, and it will never be the right one. For me it is, but for the rest of the world, it will never pass. Courage under fire, a cliche, if not a sickening lie. So I spread my lips upwards until they can see my full teeth out. They might think they’re winning this game, but not before I punch their inflated bobbing jibes.

It’s probably the worst of the times. I know enough not to poke, but I am wise enough to lie. I’ve survived too long to just forgo and let them override the joy that occupies my collapsing heart. I may never be alive in the best sense, but at least I can try to fake it. There’s still a little bit of time left, and far be it for me to wither and grant their very hopes and dreams.

I murmur words of affirmation, this is okay. I am okay. This is going to work out. I am going to work out. If I tell myself lies a few times a day, maybe the truth can wrap itself with it, and reality will meet it half way. But still, I’m going to keep on flinging myself in their ring of fire. This is a circus, and why should I let them have all the laughs when I can give it to them just fine?

Keep

In the fringes of death, I heard the sound of your lullaby. Almost in an instant, my insides shifted. It felt like breaking free from the deep slumber that it was about to fall under. It urged me to fight. To move. To fidget and beat my chest, once, -twice until it comes into focus. I’m not leaving, not yet. Not until I can see the stars illuminated in your eyes.

If I would be asked again, I would say forever and always. That’s sounds so trite. But it’s the closest to the truth that I will ever share to anyone. I often tell lies. Too many of them to count. But one thing that I know for certain. One thing that I know will never waver, is the definition of us. You and me together? Always and forever, forever and always.

Sometime I worry about leaving. If it was just me, I wouldn’t even dare to care. In an instant, I’d choose to fly. To never come back. But since you came along, everything changed. The colors and the lines. They became brighter. Shapes took place where intersecting lines would have only met in three folds of a chance. So I worry about you, and how you will be. You hide it so well, with your smile and your lingering embrace. But every once in awhile, I see your eyes and your bright greens can never seem to lie.

So tonight is another day won. Another day more that I will try to weave in the fragments of my bones. One more second to remember how your body fuses so well with mine. One more gift to keep and savor until I can no longer feel the warmth of your hands cradling my waist and toes. For another and today, you are mine to keep and that’s all that matters in the clasp of time.

Give Me a Y

It all starts with a line. Drawn in concave ends. Looping within measured gait. At its peak, the steepest arch seeks the revisionist in my heart. Flinching against the onslaught of forced smiles and cheeks damped with tears. I close my fists and count till I can hear my heart return to norm and ignorance bliss. If yesterday has passed, then it shall be written just like this.

It’s been exactly 475 days since everything began. The start of the syncopathic rhythm that my heart had memorized in reverse. Sputtered and left for daze, our first contact was that first of May. I thought nothing else but your steel blue eyes. Striking enough to make me look more than once. And in the third chance that you caught me off guard, you started the dance that we would fail to master at all.

Never would have I thought that we would end up just like this. It seemed only yesterday that we tried to build a fort made with real lives and optimistic bliss. It was something out of a dream. Laughter that resonated in days. A song that hummed with a beat that was different yet very similar in jest.

But perhaps it was the endless search for the meaning of it all. My constant query to the real trick of the game. It was the only way that I knew how to deal. With each rise comes the inevitable fall. So I tried to assess. Re-assess. And for the nth time assessed until the foreshadowed guess became an apparent reality. And that is how I lived. With one foot next to him, and with one foot towards the door.

When all things considered, reaching the conclusive evidence of how a line can fall into a loop should have made things better. On some part, it did. But at the end of it all, the flatness of the line serves to only mock the very thing that I tried to find. I’m fine without getting the X’s to my Y’s.