Half Moons

My world is painted in sequins and gold. It’s a shiny spectacle. A delight to see when I’m near tears and almost ready to shut my eyes from the world. It gives me a feeling of peace , of hope that things might be a little better. That the hurdles that I’ve just crawled for is all worth it after a decade or two. The glittering light. The sparkling night. It’s all I look forward to, at the end of every night.

Sometimes when my heart is heavy, and all I can do is heave and roll to my sides. I stare at it for hours. The night shining past my eyes. I tell it secrets. I tell it lies. That I’m giving up. That I’m moving forward. It depends on the day. It depends on how my soul is carrying me in that very moment. If I feel like the world is taunting me and teasing me things that I was so close to reaching? I tell it things that would unravel the world.

The glittering light makes me feel at ease. I can be anyone. I can feel anything. Out there in the real world, I’m too small to play in their games. I’m always left with one foot wrong. Always trampled and lay forgotten on the sides. But in my little world. I can be the ringleader and no one raises a brow or two. I can be the strong one who can carry the boulders right to the valley of doom. I’m better than the best.

No one knows about my secret space. Nor do I wish anyone to enter my safest place. For now, this is all I’ll ever need. My heart can’t bleed and my eyes will stay dry. In this little world I can be everything that I want to be. I’m not alone nor a solitary soul. I’m full of life. I’m bursting with joy. This world knows me and I know this world can take me anywhere that I wish to be.

Three Cups of Grace

In a cup, you can see your fate sealed in a sip or two. In a cup, you can choose the way your fate will unravel. To face it without fear, or to deny it with your two fists and stomping feet. The truth can be tasted, unsavory as it might be. But the grains of sand will start and stop at that moment. So hurry and see, and feel the world shift in seconds passing time.

You can travel in circles and never find the real reason why. You can try and fight the system, and fall into the trappings of the forsaken ideals of the world and beyond. You can scrape the edges and paint the rusted nails with a swivel of paint and a stroke of forgetful dust. But in the end you know the lies that hovers beyond your reality and mind.

There in the lightness of things you know that darkness swells in the midst of thought and latent springs of joy. Even with your stretched lips and wide glinting eyes that tells of happiness and delight, there’s always a trace of quivering doubt and a fraction of fear. Your mind might put your arms to wave and have your hips shake according to the beats of a one man band. But it can’t stop your heart from racing. It can’t make your mind forget of the fate that awaits your soul.

It is foretold, and it’s up to you to fix the creases and find the missing pieces when you’ve teared your body in four. With this, you’ll have the best gift no one has ever had. Time and a chance. A chance to make amends, and a time for forgiveness. A time to live, and a chance to survive.

My Lucky Stars

That feeling when you know the world is about to end. When the world spins too fast yet too slow. It consumes you until you reach for that final straw. It’s the thrill and the magnetic wave. You push until your hands are covered in bruises and scars. It’s not enough until you feel the trickle of blood falling against the white concrete floor. It’s beauty and despair. The perfect ending for the beginning of everything else.

The heart speaks what your mind cannot contain. It whispers words that you would never dare to admit. Your soul as it is, clasped against the tightening grip of sanity and illusion. Where you’re standing right now is too close on the periphery of black and white. Just a tug. Just a little bit of a sloping rhythmic crash and you’re already there. Verging closer to the unknown. A place where time has stopped and reason doesn’t care to fight against the fallacies and lies.

At this point, you still have a chance to run. To chase time as it slips right through the doorway of fate and choice. You can breakaway and find another door. You hold both keys and you’re free to toss the one that you know belongs in somebody else’s life. It’s easy. The choice is even written in bold neon lights. The world is caving in but you’re still staring at your hands. If this happened a few years ago, you wouldn’t even think. You’d be on that chosen door in one second flat. But this time it’s different. This time your mind is covered in thick gauze and hazy lights.

The world is ending, and you’re intent on fixing your heart. Instead of joining the mad dash towards the door, you’re slowly looking to your left and right. With all the chaos, there you are brushing off your former self. Dusted off and gone, you push them aside and head towards the empty road. The world might be ending, but it’s only the start. Yes, it’s only the start of a life wrapped in mysteries and stolen time.

Peep

Come a little closer and open your eyes. There are things beneath the surface that is breaking through the vines. A little more closer and you can touch them with your hands. It’s a different sensation. Like entering  a new world. Only we don’t know if it’s safe to place one foot down the rugged patch of dirt. It’s do or die. But the newness of it all makes it exciting.

Clearer than the northern skylight, the dawn is slipping through the cracks. It colors the clouds in dusky yellow and white. It’s remarkable how the world feels different. Chanced with a possibility, everything seems much bigger. A choice and every little thing breaks off the cycle into tiny fragments of nothingness.

Mind over matter. That’s what they’ve always told me. To grasp between what my right hands holds, and what can cling to my chest. The infinite possibilities are corrupting my senses. I’ve always had little trouble on what to discard or keep in my raft. But right now, I’m stuck between a possibility and a static current of present normalcy. Am I just supposed to turn around and point to the next thing I see?

Ultimately, I already know where my feet will lead me to. But I know there will be something that might trip me down. I wish that there was a choice of taking both lives at once. Where I can lead the march and tilt the glass under the crowded scope of lies. It’s what I’d wish for. If only it’s within my reach.

Push

Have you ever felt two things at once? How your heart betrays your mind. When you choose one thing but another comes to pass. When the things that are meant to happen collides with expectations and realities. When what we want and what will occur are two separate things. We don’t know. We don’t have any control. With every missive, comes a saving grace. It’s like one step up the ladder but one inch closer to the ground.

When you build a map of your life, but there are gaps in between each route. There is calmness and fleeting panic on every single move. Where do you set your hand? To the left where the road seems friendlier? Or should you keep to your right and wish that there aren’t any broken pavements for your one man journey?

It’s a crux and a blessing. You can’t wish and expect that everything will come to pass. It begins and ends. There are openings and closings. What we believe can be grounded on false truths and implied heretics. What can we do but just go along. We are passing strangers in this thing we call life. We are best to accept and move on. There’s nothing to see but hope and fate.

So I just let go. I still hope but I know there’s a chance for a fall. I still dream but I know when things are against me. I know what to expect. I know what can happen. There would be new lives. There would be lost souls. All I can do is see and think. I can’t stop the flow of time and fate. Not that I would wish to. Not that I would want to take the reins and break the cycle.

When I feel alive and yet broken down. I remember how things can be and what should be done. There are always choices. There are always exit points. But to be here right now with ten fingers and ten toes? I’ll just go along. I’ll just soar through the sky.

Staring Right Back at You

My daddy told me to dream high, and reach for the sky. That I am precious and worth more than a million stars. I wanted to believe him, in fact, I used to believe him. But the years has gone by, and something is amiss, cloaking me in utmost scarcity.

Have you ever felt that there’s something pulling you back? Cause I feel that there’s an invincible elastic band that pushes me right after I try to break free from my habits and routines. That’s why I’ve done and given up on hoping. I’ll just sit here and spin in my own orbit until my head bursts from exhaustion.

My only semblance of respite comes from hiding behind my framed glasses and typing away words and numbers, that in truth secretly thrills me to no end. With ratios and proportions and statistical imbalances, I feel comfort and order, a perfect shield against the chaos that is building just outside my bedroom door.

And as everyday felt like a repeat of the other, the time that we met almost seemed like an improbability. A chance meeting, a ridiculous beginning. With your bouncing blonde curls, your smile felt like a refreshing surprise. I was out to outwit you with my cutting words and cold replies, but there was something about you that made me stop and think.

With a promised favor, I came to look for your call every time my phone rang. It was so crazy. I wanted to see you again, so I brushed off all my pride and banged at your makeshift door. I stood there transfixed with your impromptu kiss. I was stunned and pleased. Immediately, an unknown feeling was rushing in my blood.

I wanted you more than ever. Even if it seemed like you were gone on most days. Even if you forgot to call me back for days. Even if I felt like you didn’t even want to see me. I still looked and knocked and dragged you right back at my house. I don’t know what’s happening to me. My pride and wits are slowly dissolving into non entities.

And then the reckoning happened. My friends all agreed that you’re not the best fit for me. They said that you were too crass. That I might just be headed for heartbreak if I continue this path. That I deserved someone better, someone that won’t make fun of me and my bedside manners when up for a stand up routine.

What did I do after all those words and advice? I shunned them all out. I looked at the forlorn memory that my dad gave me, and how much esteem he used to bestow on me. I should feel shameful on how I’m betraying his idea of me. I should worry that I’m closing off and neglecting my friends. I should think twice on how much this might break me into a million pieces.

After a rush of thoughts, I turned up my gaze right back at you. As time flits by ever so swiftly, I’d rather have a warm body next to mine. I don’t want to curl up to loneliness anymore, no matter the cost.