A letter for Mrs. M

It’s all so very fitting. In traces and slights. It lingers even after all this time. With every moment that passes, it just rushes right back at me. Like fragments filling the perfect angle. Sometimes it paints a melancholy picture. Some days it reminds me of the things that we could have had. But there are things that brings me joy. A slight smile and an irrepressible grin. Those things that you used to say. Those things that you once did with both your hands on your hips. They might be blurry at best, but they are pieces that has stood the tide of time.

It would be quite a lie if I say I miss you. Because what I feel is beyond the parameters of loss. It’s a missive larger than I could ever picture. When there’s too much of what could have been, and what should have been. It halts all things lost in a lurch. Because it has never been because of again and repeat. It’s almost always to do and become.

If I can see you now, all youthful and bold. I don’t know if it could change a thing. That’s probably the damnest thing. Here I am longing. Wishing. Hoping. But it all circumvents to an all too familiar pause. Everything that happened has been a process of forgetfulness and indifference. It seems like it was the easiest thing to do. To bury and to move on along. Just as it has happened, it circles right back to you. For lately, all I can think about it is the past and the things that I wished I had done and said. Did you even know how much I regret not being there? Not doing anything at all? Even if it’s seven years too late, let me just say that I miss you. I’m sorry. And never doubt that I loved you. That I love you.

Red Means Blue

Time runs too fast. It never slows for any one. It keeps on going even if you find yourself slumped to a corner. Its hands keep on moving. One tick past the memories of your life. It’s not your friend nor can it heal any of your wounds. One second of slumber might be worth years missed in joy and pain.

Five years gone and my mind still feels like a hazy swirl of repressed agony and regret. It’s crazy how everything seems different yet familiar. It’s not that I’ve forgotten, it’s just that I’ve tried to brush past it. The years. The wounds. The spastic motion of how it once was. I moved forward by keeping my mind free of those memories. But the thing is, time doesn’t vanish anything at all.

I might forget some things. I might think that everything’s fine. My mind might tell me that things turned out just right. But one point- a prick of the past is enough for all the memories to gush back. After all these years, it’s still raw. When my mind remembers that day, those years. I live in regret once again. It’s cruel how everything snaps right back. I miss you all over again, and I feel like drowning in might have been’s and could have been’s for the millionth time.

I miss you. I wish you’re still beside me. There are so many things I wish I could have told you. There are a million ways I could have showed you I cared. Wishes and hope. Dreams and Desires. I’ve let go of these emotions. I’ve tried to save myself the trouble of absolute disappointment. Which is why, right now, whenever I want something, I’ve never once wished or hoped. I’ve spent all my wishes and hopes on you and look where it got me. But all these feelings. All these notions keeps on stumbling back whenever I see your face in my dreams.

Time can never grant me that. Perhaps I’ll just run with time and think of minutes and days. It might never be okay, but at least I wont snap back to Wishes and hopes; Dreams and Desires. There’s no one here that can break my fall. If only you’re here…If only…