Shhh

Get out. Grab your clothes and get gone. I’m too tired of your lies and your woeful eyes. They never seem to be enough to make you drench in remorse. I took you in too many times. I gave forgiveness even if it was clear that you really should have been forgotten. This is the end and there is no one more try. This is it, so go ahead and get gone.

—

Believe it when I say that I love you more than anything in this world. Please see the things that fall in your feet. Can you see what my hands are holding? They’re clutching spoonfuls of time and fulfillment. If it’s not enough. If you can’t feel my heart beating against my ribs. Just wait for a minute. I’m going to show you how the sky changes from darkness to light in one quick sweep.

—

What can I do? There’s nothing left here, but hallowed words and rusted pens. I was going to save you from your fall. I was going to tear my heart in two. I was going to kiss your salted tears until they stop from flowing in your eyes. I was going to do everything to keep you alive. But you gave me up. You turned the corner and left me here without even saying a final goodbye.

—

Close your eyes and think of me. Think of the things that I make you feel. Do you feel your heart thumping louder with each second ticking? Does your mouth search for a partner in a dance that we’ve perfected with time? Are your eyes fluttering at the merest memory of tangled limbs and gasping breaths?

—

I am invincible, or that’s what I’d like everyone to think. I carry the weight of my heart and my soul with the added bulk of amassed pain and regret at the tips of my shoulders. I am everything they want me to be and I wish this wasn’t so. I’m fragile and I’m close to falling down these steps. I wish I can get out. But they’ve closed out the exit and all I can do is smile. Smile until my lips stays frozen in limp space.

Vicious Kind

It happened again. Perched against this musty room, my eyes were trailing far beyond the line of assault. I thought I had you pegged. I was so sure that I would evade you the next time it comes again. But right when my defenses were down. Just when I thought everything was put on hold, you got me again. You hit me right in the middle, and I was too stunned to even feel the weight of the moment that passed.

It took me months to get back where I was. Back when I knew how to smile without looking for a familiar face. I’ve worked so hard to finally laugh at the irony that I’ve set myself up against. It was difficult, but I finally mended my heart. I finally stitched it back to life. Ragged as it may be, but at least I had put it back together again. So this is really driving me insane. After all that hard work, now they’re coming loose to a fragile little blimp.

I thought I covered my tracks. I ran like hell, you see. And I made sure that you will never find me again. I thought I did it right this time. I thought I finally got to the clearing without giving any signs. For a while, I felt relief awash my every senses. For the first in my life, I thought I had full control over where my heart lies. But you’re right here again, you’ve boxed me in with your hands over my shoulders, and it slowly inches closer to my waist. Back where it once was. To where we started way back then.

I could have hid better. I could have taken a hundred more steps. I could have placed the record in the back door. I could have thrown away the key. I didn’t, and I know what that meant. I was never meant to release you. Not forever anyway. Cause you always have a way of coming back, stronger than ever before.

2-27

Underneath my body, lies a secret I can no longer keep. I’m filled with euphoria each time I try to close it a little bit more. It seeps through my pores. It spills against the curve of my lips. It wants to break free from the chains and stitches that it has been placed under. As much as I feel like keeping the lid, I’m on the verge of letting it all out. Let them hear the cries of joy. Let them see the glorious morn.

—

Ten thousand lines after and the first word is still singed against my skull. I’m trying to forget. I’m forcing the words to create a new world. But it keeps on creeping back. It’s knocking on my heart and it might never stop.

—

Let go. It’s so easy to say. It’s so easy to have it written down. In words. In mind. It’s so easy to think of it. It’s so easy to believe. But what I can and cannot do? Well, that’s something that I can’t control whenever I try to open my eyes.

—

It’s never going to be the same. You and I? We’re drifting apart and we have no control on where we are going and why. So I force my body against somebody else. I’m going to keep on pretending that my heart isn’t breaking whenever I feel the need to hold you close to me. I’ll keep on trying to replace you. Even if it would take forever. Even if it might never work. I’ll try my best, just for now.

—

I closed my eyes and right then I knew what to do. Against the backdrop of my ever shifting world, I felt a sense of elation. I’ve never felt so certain about anything in my life. But if the choice is between you and the rest of the world. Then it’s easy. It will always be you and only you.

Finito

Do you remember me? I used to be your everything.  I used to be that one and only person who can make you smile for days. I used to be your only one. But now, you are with her and you smile just the same. You seem to promise the same things that you once told me over muffled whispers and crumpled blankets. How do you break a heart and find another one so soon before it even closes?

Do you even remember my face? You used to trace it with your fingers. You told me I was beautiful, and no one can ever compare. I was the ultimate, and no one will ever come close. Yet, I know you’ve told her the same things. You trace her face with the same fingers that have always brushed my face. Which one is true? How can your lips say the exact same things and mean it just as much?

Do you think about me? Or even at all? The days that we spent. The things that we said. The laughter and tears that we shared through half of our lives. I wonder if you remember us at all? Cause the way that you’re with her. When I see your eyes twinkle with delight. When I can feel your happiness radiate through your face. I can’t help but feel crushed all over again.

Do you remember those nights? Do you remember the maps that we carved in our bodies? It was blissful and perfect. After those moments, I thought we can survive anything. If we can only be entwined like that forever, we can do anything that life will throw at us. How can you share your soul with her and not remember at all? It’s that easy? I thought it was, but my heart reminds me the truth each and every day.

Facedown

They never told me it would hurt this much. Two months on, and I feel like I’m adrift in this sea. Alone and confused, there’s nothing in this island that makes me feel I’m close to breaking through. There has to be a ray of light after all these darkened days. I did what I thought was right. So why do I feel like I lost the battle and left my soul in the gutter?

I still look like me. Same eyes and nose. My fingers still spread like they’ve always do. But why do I feel like there’s something amiss? Like I’ve grown different  limbs and added several toes? There’s a shift in my body, and I’m close to freaking out. My whole self is in disarray, and I’m scared to know why.

I can’t back out now. I can’t rewind and take back what I’ve done. I’ve rehearsed those lines for so many months. It took me a year to finally sort it all out and throw it on your face. I finally had the courage to break our tie. I can’t rewrite this. I don’t want to jump ship and wave a white flag. This is what I want right? I wanted this, and now I must face this head on.

I’m going to do this and pretend it doesn’t hurt. I’m going to come out of this sea and tell everyone that I’ve survived. I’m going to paint a smile and stretched my lips into a glowing grin. My knees will melt on the sight of a new future. I’ll lead the dance and never tire of shaking my hip. I’ll give everyone a good show. I’ll make everyone believe in letting go.

It will be all okay until I shut the door. No one will hear me weep outside this four walls. I’ll let the tears fall for a minute of every night. I’ll struggle to keep my hair out and wallow in quiet surrender. Two months on, and this will pass right? Two months on and maybe I’ll find a raft to save me from myself.