They never told me it would hurt this much. Two months on, and I feel like I’m adrift in this sea. Alone and confused, there’s nothing in this island that makes me feel I’m close to breaking through. There has to be a ray of light after all these darkened days. I did what I thought was right. So why do I feel like I lost the battle and left my soul in the gutter?
I still look like me. Same eyes and nose. My fingers still spread like they’ve always do. But why do I feel like there’s something amiss? Like I’ve grown different limbs and added several toes? There’s a shift in my body, and I’m close to freaking out. My whole self is in disarray, and I’m scared to know why.
I can’t back out now. I can’t rewind and take back what I’ve done. I’ve rehearsed those lines for so many months. It took me a year to finally sort it all out and throw it on your face. I finally had the courage to break our tie. I can’t rewrite this. I don’t want to jump ship and wave a white flag. This is what I want right? I wanted this, and now I must face this head on.
I’m going to do this and pretend it doesn’t hurt. I’m going to come out of this sea and tell everyone that I’ve survived. I’m going to paint a smile and stretched my lips into a glowing grin. My knees will melt on the sight of a new future. I’ll lead the dance and never tire of shaking my hip. I’ll give everyone a good show. I’ll make everyone believe in letting go.
It will be all okay until I shut the door. No one will hear me weep outside this four walls. I’ll let the tears fall for a minute of every night. I’ll struggle to keep my hair out and wallow in quiet surrender. Two months on, and this will pass right? Two months on and maybe I’ll find a raft to save me from myself.
severalsteps 