Plug

It would be easier if I didn’t know how much you loved me. It would be easier to give up. I don’t want to be that girl from your past. Tail wagging in the air. Tongue out. All but ready to have a bone thrown in just for kicks. Even just thinking about it makes me cringe in embarrassment.

It’s pitiful and disgraceful. Without a moment’s notice, you can bet that I would rush to your side whenever you need me. Even if it’s just a sniffle or a lithe disturbance in your  comfort. I’d speed down the highway and put that pedal to work. It’s disconcerting that I’m telling you this so openly. But I know you know. And that’s what’s making this worse.

Here I am with my arms wide open. Hands outstretched, just waiting to be called. To have your not so secret love confession tumble right out of your pretty little mouth. But of course, that’s a lost cause. Every single time, your answer has always been the opposite of hope. That’s what crushes me the most. This. Us. Right here. It’s not going to happen. It probably never will.

Just tell me. Lie to me. Act your ass out and deny all your feelings out. I’d take it. I’ll pretend to believe you. But you never do. You never do anything that would get me from here to there. Even if you don’t say it. Even if you try so hard to repress it. The worst thing is that I can hear it in your heartbeat. I can tell by the simple press of your lips. And the thin line of your eyebrows that resolutely joins in unison whenever I’m in distress.

Maybe it’s the way I look? Maybe it’s the way I speak? Maybe it’s the way I seem to act like I don’t think of the future? Or maybe I’m just not worth the fight after all. For once and for all. Just say it. Say something. Anything that will deter us forever, or a push down to the possibility of forever and us.

Wasteland

I dared to pick a fight with the heavens, and all it got me was wet clothes and stringy hair. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t stop myself from screaming at the top of my lungs. I am beyond frustrated. I am beyond understanding. I’m teetering on the edge and I don’t know what to do with myself. My world is unfolding and I don’t want to see the ending.

Is this what life is supposed to be? Always filled with pain and anguish and just a slight chance of happiness? I’ve told myself I’ll never be the fool. That bliss and smiles are for people without sensibilities and a brain for a change. It took me everything to reach that kind of stoicism. I was unbeaten. I was stronger than the bravest man. I was a warrior with unmatched nettled loins.

Why is that we cling to hope when everything just turns to mush in the end? Why do we keep on wishing on battered seas and uneven plains? Haven’t we learned from the past? Don’t we ever listen to the stories carved in stones and buried planks? Even though in our hearts of hearts we already know the path, we still trudge on. We still think we will be the exception. Life isn’t cruel right? It’s doesn’t proclaim happy endings just so it can snatch it away from us.

I can’t even recognize the shape of my heart anymore. Is it even whole? Is it even there? All I see is a silhouette. It’s like a ghost, a beaten organ. I don’t understand how this is supposed to work. Can I still love? Or is this the beginning of the end? With this state, am I close to being thrown into oblivion? Damned to be forgotten and forgotten to be damned.

Facedown

They never told me it would hurt this much. Two months on, and I feel like I’m adrift in this sea. Alone and confused, there’s nothing in this island that makes me feel I’m close to breaking through. There has to be a ray of light after all these darkened days. I did what I thought was right. So why do I feel like I lost the battle and left my soul in the gutter?

I still look like me. Same eyes and nose. My fingers still spread like they’ve always do. But why do I feel like there’s something amiss? Like I’ve grown different  limbs and added several toes? There’s a shift in my body, and I’m close to freaking out. My whole self is in disarray, and I’m scared to know why.

I can’t back out now. I can’t rewind and take back what I’ve done. I’ve rehearsed those lines for so many months. It took me a year to finally sort it all out and throw it on your face. I finally had the courage to break our tie. I can’t rewrite this. I don’t want to jump ship and wave a white flag. This is what I want right? I wanted this, and now I must face this head on.

I’m going to do this and pretend it doesn’t hurt. I’m going to come out of this sea and tell everyone that I’ve survived. I’m going to paint a smile and stretched my lips into a glowing grin. My knees will melt on the sight of a new future. I’ll lead the dance and never tire of shaking my hip. I’ll give everyone a good show. I’ll make everyone believe in letting go.

It will be all okay until I shut the door. No one will hear me weep outside this four walls. I’ll let the tears fall for a minute of every night. I’ll struggle to keep my hair out and wallow in quiet surrender. Two months on, and this will pass right? Two months on and maybe I’ll find a raft to save me from myself.